also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Everclear isn't food dammit
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize