Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
