I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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