Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
