anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
