my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
