It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
