For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize