She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
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