Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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