Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
MIDGETS
????
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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