I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Randomize
