Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
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