I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
