happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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