i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Just high enough for therapy.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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