Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
