I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
