This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
My vagina just clenched in fear
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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