ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
