her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
