Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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