Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Randomize
