she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
We just shotgunned beers for America
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
