I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
