I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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