What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
