dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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