wake up i wanna do it froggy style
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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