I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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