I just threw up on my dentist
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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