How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
