Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
sarcasm needs its own font
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
