I am spending my child support on dildos
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
