oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
