I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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