I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Randomize
