What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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