I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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