apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
