and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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