how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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