dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I fill condoms, not promises.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
