The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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