im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize