and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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