my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
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long story
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weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
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