Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Small penises have feelings too.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
