Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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