She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
