turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize