did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
