This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
My bed smells like the plague
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
