HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
