Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Randomize
