I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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