how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Little spoons don't ask big questions
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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