Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
