I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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