Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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