You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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