I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
