I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize