I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
