He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
