I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
