Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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