will power is for people who don't want to get laid
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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