I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
 go to hell.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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