So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
